Befuddled and Bemused
by scarfganini
Summary: Something I wrote on a whim. pretty random. Deidara kidnaps Luna lovegood for reasons no one remembers, so somebody's gotta kill her. huh. short little thing, have fun. oh yes- there's a pairing. Luna and Itachi. shut up and read it.


"Befuddled and bemused, bewildered and confused

Ok. The pairing is Itachi Uchiha and Luna Lovegood. Yes. You heard me correctly. It is not a crack pairing. Read it and weep. Or don't, please, I like to think my fan fictions aren't _that_ bad.

Anyways. I've been told this fan fiction is incredibly random, so I'm sorry if weird things happen. Which they do.

And with little further ado…

Thecabbagesareflyingthecabbagesareflyingthecabbagesareflyingthecabbagesareflyingthecabbagesareflying

"Befuddled and bemused, bewildered and confused..." Luna Lovegood sang under her breath, concentrating on the threads she was weaving into a misshapen, glossy sort of rug. She was hoping to finish it by the end of today, but that was difficult, as it wouldn't protect her against the occasional umgubular slashkilter happening by unless she didn't use magic. It didn't occur to her that, being a rug, it would only protect her when she was standing on it, and no one stands on a rug all day. Except maybe Luna Lovegood.

It was beautiful out today, she noted, looking up from her incorrect weaving methods, and over the sweeping hills that was the lawn behind her house.

Then a large bird swooped down and ate her.

Okay, so I lied.

It only swooped down, what happened was someone on the back of the bird grabbed the back of her robes and pulled her up next to him.

Luna, eyes wide, didn't say anything, and watching in a startled fashion as the ground got farther and farther away.

"Hey."

Luna looked up from far below, where her gaze had been fixed. "Hello." She said. "Is there a reason you've taken me?"

The blonde man sitting across from her opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again and thought about it. "I... there must be... hmm... I _know_ there was a reason I was supposed to kidnap you... tell you what, I'll tell you as soon as I'm told." He nodded. "Yeah."

Luna blinked. "Couldn't you just... put me down instead?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"I'd lose my job."

"..."

"Card game?" He pulled out a deck of cards.

"No, thank you, I don't generally play cards with people who are trying to kill me."

The blonde's eyes widened slightly. "Ah, No, I'm not going to kill you. I don't think."

"Then why take me?"

"...Most people aren't taken to be killed. They're taken for ransom, or because they're needed, not because they're... not needed."

Luna shook her head. "That's not true."

"Oh?"

"Dad is a firm believer in K.A.K.F.S."

"..."

But Luna didn't explain herself. Instead, she asked, "So. What's your name?"

"Deidara. You?"

"Luna Lovegood."

"Ah." He eyed her hair, which was piled up on her head, kept in place with a teacup. He didn't quite know how.

And now, because the rest of the flight was spent in multiple card games, we shall skip to the landing. Because really, all that happened was Deidara insisted Luna was cheating, and Luna insisted the cards were possessed.

So. Anyway. The landing.

It was all bumpy like.

And in a tree.

And then they had to climb down from the tree, which was difficult, because it was a rather branchless tree, and so there was a lot of sliding and 'oof'-ing at the bottom.

Then a large flytrap with a head inside it popped out of the tree.

"You're late."

"_You_ try flying ten million miles in one afternoon!"

"You said you could do it."

"And I did, it's not dark yet!"

Then it got dark. (Spontaneous night!)

Zets1 gave Deidara pointed stare, and Deidara rolled his eyes and began to stroll towards a large cave entrance that happened to be there.

Luna, having nothing better to do nor the occurrence that she should, followed him. Zetsu melted back into the tree, because he didn't really need to pop up in the first place and was just there because I can do that.

Deidara led Luna through a maze of winding caves and into a rather dark and shadowy looking one, where a dark and shadowy-looking man sat behind a dark and shadowy looking desk in a dark and shadowy looking spinny chair.

"Ah, good, Deidara. And you brought...?"

"Yup. Here." Deidara pushed Luna forward a bit. "This one."

Pein nodded. "Good job."

There was a pause, so Deidara asked, "Um... I sort of forgot, why was I supposed to get her again...?"

Leader-san shot him a surprised and rather evil look, but all his looks are evil. "I thought _you_ knew!"

"What, you _forgot_?" Deidara cursed, and Pein shot him a _very_ evil look. Then he sighed.

"Well," Deidara said, "If no one can remember what she's here for, what do we do?"

"Can I just kill her?"

Pein shrugged. "No hair off my back."

"Cool." Deidara grinned and beckoned Luna out of the room. Luna fingered the wand in her pocket, but followed him. "Hey," Deidara said, down the hall a bit, "Sorry I'm gonna have to kill you and stuff, but it's for the safety of the group, you know? You could go and tell everyone where we are, and then we'd all be screwed. So I sort of have to. It was a nice afternoon, anyhow."

Luna shrugged, wondering how her afternoon had strayed so far from weaving a slashkilter anti.

Deidara led her into a large room, full of silly-looking people doing apparently nothing.

Several of them looked up, some looked away, another asked, "Who's she?"

Deidara grinned. "Luna Lovegood. Leader-san told me I could kill her, but I thought I'd kill her later, because I'm really bored."

"Oooh." One of them, a blue tinted man, turned to her. "Sucks to be you."

Luna just smiled at him. "You'd be surprised." She said, and Kisame watched in incredulously.

Because, if there was anybody in doubt, the blue guy was Kisame.

And then a guy sitting in a large chair near the door got up and started snogging Luna.

Okay, okay, I lied, that doesn't happen for pages yet. But I really, really, really wanted to type it.

So Deidara sat on an empty seat at a large, central table, which wasn't usually there, and told Luna the story of an old man who beckons to children to listen to the story of an old man who beckons to children to listen to the story of an old man who beckons to children to listen to the story of an old man who beckons to children...

You know the one.

Anyhow, Luna got bored with the story, and so did you and me and this whole plot started to seem kind of pointless, so Deidara accidentally said gorge and died.

"Wow." Hidan stared at Deidara's limp form. "Sasori's gonna be pissed."

"Then who's gonna kill her?" Kisame said, eyeing Luna in a sort of fishy way.

Itachi, without looking up from his book, raised his hand. Everyone shrugged and pointed Luna towards Itachi's armchair.

_Then_ Itachi started making out with her.

Fine, fine, it didn't happen then either. But I'm becoming impatient because I don't particularly want to be writing this fanfiction much longer.

So Luna just stood there for a good five minutes before Itachi finally closed his book, and got up. "Alright," he said, eyeing her hairstyle, "Let's go."

Luna reached for her wand, and once it was tightly in her grasp, followed the man.

"Well," he said, "Since Deidara mysteriously died, I get to kill you. Sorry, you don't really get a say."

Tightening the grip on her wand, she nodded, without really consenting.

Itachi walked into a room filled with an assortment of weapons, half of which were Hidan's, although you don't really need to know that. He took a simple dagger, inspected it, and shrugged. "This okay?" he asked Luna, holding up the weapon. "It's not exactly fancy, but it's easy."

"I thought I didn't get a say."

"Well, yes, I suppose you don't. But we don't often get victims as calm as you, thought I'd see if I could get a scream or something."

Luna shook her head. From what she knew, she was dealing with muggles. Murderous muggles, but muggles nonetheless. So, while nervous, she wasn't about to scream. A simple stunning spell would give her ample time to apparate away, which she totally could have already done, but that would have been breaking the statue of secrecy. A really dumb thing to be worrying about in the middle of the Akatuski's lair.

Anyways, Itachi shrugged. "Oh well. Come here, then?" Luna stepped closer, drawing her wand. Itachi eyed it. "A stick?"

"Sort of."

"What's it for?" he asked. Luna just raised it slightly.

Itachi, not recognizing the instinctive creeping down his spine as fear, brought the knife to her throat.

Nonverbal spells are a blessing in disguise.

But, as it is, Luna didn't' need one.

"Impedimentia!"

Itachi froze.

Luna stepped away from the knife at her throat, taking it from the grip of her attacker. She turned, put it back on the shelf, and then realized that it was pretty dumb of her to choose this spell particularly, because even though he couldn't move, he could see, and she couldn't dissapparate in front of him like that- heading for the door now, to dissapparate from the hall, but it was too late. The spell, only good for nearly a minute, maybe, had worn off, and Itachi was blocking her path. Barely thinking, she cast a shield charm, which barely stopped the fist coming towards her.

Itachi continued his attempts to penetrate her shield charm. They ranged from throwing knives to fists, and not one got past her charm- she was quite glad, as you can imagine. (Shield charms always just seemed like they'd be more useful against non-magical things.)

And then Itachi was all, 'Screw this, Mangekyou sharingan!' because eye contact can't be stopped by an invisible shield.

Luna, having no clue whatsoever what was going on, was definitely frightened now. Because she didn't have her wand with her- and that's never a good sign.

Itachi had her pinned to the wall, and was staring at her rather... intensely.

And _then_ he started making out with her.

Really, this time.

Luna's brain sort of shut down, as she had been expecting something in the range of... um... death, and now her perceived assassin was busy exploring her mouth with his tongue. (Huzzah x)

So Luna just sort of stood there, as she was still rather too shocked to resist.

When Itachi was quite finished, she just blinked at him. He took that as a question, because, quite honestly, it was.

So he shrugged. "No one has ever avoided me for so long with so little damage. It was kinda hot."

Luna just blinked at him, and fainted, because her brain had had quite enough excitement and refused to work anymore.

nothinghappensherenothinghappensherenothinghappensherenothinghappenshere

She woke up later, and because I don't want to figure out whether or not she would still be under Mangekyou sharingan, she wasn't. She was, however, lying in a rather comfortable bed.

Itachi was sitting in a chair nearby, reading a magazine, which happened to be Deidara's. Or used to be.

Luna watched the ceiling a bit, and wondered where her wand was. She didn't particularly think she needed it now, though.

"Ah." Itachi put down his magazine. "You're awake."

"Yes. I think so." Luna said, sitting up slightly too quickly, and having to close hr eyes to stop the room spinning. When she opened them again, Itachi was sitting on the bed beside her. "Hello." She told him, and he grinned at her.

"Hello." He reached over and pulled her towards him, hugging her in a gentle manner. "I love you."

Luna almost fainted again, but managed to stay where she was. She rested her chin on his shoulder, and let him hug her. He was, after all, very comfortable...

Weaselmanawayweaselmanawayweaselmanawayweaselmanawayweaselmanawayweaselmanaway

…okay, maybe that fan fiction wasn't the best argument of my 'non crack pairing' statement. But quite seriously, it's a great pairing. The fan fiction was just wack.

That's what happens when I have no clue what I'm doing when I sit down to type.

For those of you who were horrified when Deidara died- apologies. This is the sort of fan fiction, however, where he's not really dead after all, because while Itachi was busy attacking Luna, (he never) Sasori went on a quest to find the dragonballs! And then there was this whole epic battle-type thing which Sasori won, mainly because he was the hero-type-dealy in the scene, and then he rushes back and revives Deidara like in the story books. It was beautiful- you should have seen. Someone write that for me…

Speaking of which, I will love you forever if you will write me a Lunitachi fic… I will favorite it and alert it and comment nicely whatever you like, please and thank you.

Ok. I'm done. Hope you enjoyed my nonsense. Review, please! Kthnxbye.


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